It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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