The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
