I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
