my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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