I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
