My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
