I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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