gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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