So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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