Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He has the fingertips of a God
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