The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
