You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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