Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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