girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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