i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
