U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
