just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
