im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
