I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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