nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
