I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
