how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize