Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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