i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize