I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
