I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
