Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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