1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Randomize
