This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
bring money and cleavage
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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