I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
