I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize