he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
