i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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