If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
