I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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