He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize