remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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