She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
