The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
