This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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