I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
