I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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