I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
