3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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