Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
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