My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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