Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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