ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
