God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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