I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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