I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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