Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Is Oprah even human
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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