i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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