My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
