i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
