apparently the secret to your success is patron
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize