I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
