Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
