I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
