He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
