I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
