how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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