Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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