Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just found puke in my bra..
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
