i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
