Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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