I wish I could teleport
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
