Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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