Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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