I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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