i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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