Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Barsexuality is the new black.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
