The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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