Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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